Ask Sarah!

Dear Sarah,

 

 

I am a musician, and there are some girls I want to impress at the club where I play. Now, long ago Eddie Murphy taught me that girls go wild for guys who sing. I write lots of songs, but I never sing them because my voice is crap. So what I'm wondering is, is a guy who sings sexy even if he sucks? Or should I just stick to guitar? I would tend to think that the singing needs to be good, but then how do you explain Bob Dylan?

 

 

As a followup, whose lyrics are hotter, Led Zeppelin ("Squeeze my lemon till the juice runs down my leg") or Nine Inch Nails ("She spreads herself wide open to let the insects in")?

 

-Mystified in D Minor

 

 

p.s. You should come see me play next time you're in the solar system :)

MiD-

You know what? I love it when boys try. It's adorable. Even when they fail miserably at something, it's pretty cute to watch a boy struggle to impress you. So you should probably sing.

But if you're bad at singing, you should only ever sing while you're doing something else well. You play the guitar, so you should always sing and play the guitar at the same time. Why? It's more adorable that way. Girls think: "oh how cute, he is trying to multi-task and he can't." Where if you just sing alone (and you really are as bad as you say) it will be painfully more obvious that you can't actually sing.

But actually drummers are totally hot. They have those sticks and that amazing rhythm, and I mean... you can just see that it would translate to... uh, other activities.

Erm. What?

I have some scientific evidence that points to Bob Dylan actually being from a solar system different from yours. I don't have enough to publish this theory yet, but I would instruct you to not try to comprehend him. You can't.

As to the hotter lyrics, I always really liked this one band from my hometown. Totally dirty stuff. It's so hot. Sadly, though, I can't translate it into English. I think if I had to pick a song in English it would be neither of your choices but Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me."  I don't know why, but something about that song makes every female creature within ear shot go completely crazy.

That being said, I will totally come to one of your shows if you cover that song for me. And let me dance on stage 

I just LOVE the energy Riley put's in her performance of the only song worth playing in Guitar hero III.

 

That made me dig kinda deep down in my ancient collection of dusty LP's and kickstart the vinyl lathe. Grinding down some Mountain(s). It sure brings back almost faded memories.

 

Tell me Sarah, will there be created such great music again in the future or should I stop maintaining my vinyl lathe ???

 

Rock on, cheers the one and only Stealth Oracle

 

Stealthy,

I think you're confusing "space" with "future." I'm not from the future. Just because your silly planet hasn't figured out intergalactic space travel and is still centuries away from creating it, doesn't mean my planet is from the "future." We are just smarter than you.

That being said, I TOTALLY love those music games. Guitar Hero is fun, but I'm partial to singing on Rock Band. Oh and the drums, but I still can't seem to get the foot pedal and hand movement independent of one another.

 But I'm not able to tell you about the future of music. Chances are music will be good again. Everything in the universe turns out to be cyclical.

Also, what do you mean by "vinyl"? That's something you wear, silly, not something that plays music.

Kisses,

Sarah 

Hi Sarah,

 

When I was a little girl (on planet Earth) and first heard about "test tube babies", I thought "what an awesome development!"  Later I was disappointed to learn that this did not mean that babies grew to term in the test tube, but still had to do that in a woman's uterus (which of course causes all kinds of hassles for that woman!).  And after all these years, there are STILL no developments on this front. So my question to you is: Does this technology exists on other planets, and if so, can you bring it to Earth?

 

Thanks,

 

Not a Host

Hostie,

One thing I've always pondered about Earth women is their birth control. I mean, you take in cats and dogs and you cut them open to keep them from procreating... and yet you refuse to do it to yourselves. I did that *ages* ago and I couldn't be happier.

Unfortunately, from what I have seen of the universe, if you are a warm blooded being -as I believe you are - those little suckers have to be parasitic. And I've seen Alien. We all know that there are no viscously terrifying, face hugging, stomach exploding alien race out there. (At least not one I've ever run across). Nope, that was your species metaphor for human pregnancy.

This isn't to say there haven't been ANY new technologies in the realm of reproduction. I was once invited to the parthenogenesis planet Lizardia for a baby shower. I stayed for like, one hot minute. I mean, can you imagine? An entire planet devoid of men? Pregnancy without sex? Honestly, what's the point

But it exists. So maybe that's something your planet should look into.

Kisses,

Sarah

Hi Sarah!

Big fan here... and while I don't think I have a ton of "issues" I do need some advice.  My boyfriend lives far away from me.  And while it's not the kinds of light-years of travel you're used to dealing with as far as distance, I only get to see him maybe one weekend out of any month, sometimes even less.  I really like to make sure our visits together are totally fantabulous and my problem is this: I need more cute underthings to wear when I want to show off for him.  I've tried going shopping at the mall, but places like Victoria's Secret seems to think girls should look like little baby dolls or else like total whores... and I don't like either of those looks on me!  So please tell me, where do you manage to find all your super sexy and fun lingerie?  I figure a smart girl-on-the-go like you must know all the best places in the universe to shop.

Thanks sooooo much!
Planning for A New Thong In Earth's Solar System

Planning a Thong -

I have a secret. Traveling at the speed of light is really fast. But when you're coving distances as far apart as galaxies... well, even going that fast there is still a lot of downtime. So  you know what I do? I sew.

Yes, I know. Sewing? But she's like totally super smart and she has a Ph.D and all that jazz.  Sewing goes against everything she worked hard for. But, it turns out, I really like sewing. It's a really good way to pass the time.

Also, consider this: There is no sexy space traveling outfit store at any mall in any galaxy. And trust me, I've probably been to every mall in every galaxy. Someone has to outfit the other hellcats.

So the point is this: You know what you like. You know what you look good in. Sew it yourself! And don't worry about how the seams will hold up or how well made you first few attempts will turn out. If the work is a little shaky, well, use it to your advantage and have him rip it off of you.

Super sexy!

Kisses,

Sarah

Dear Sarah, my roommate says that this girl in the elevator was coming
on to me, but I never even noticed her. How do I know when a woman is
interested in me?
--
Perplexed in Pittsburgh

Dear Pip,

You know, I've never really understood human behavior.  I mean, if you're interested in someone, it seems pretty obvious to me that you should just show them your boobs. Especially if you're in an elevator! There are so many possibilities...

But I guess your planet's social mores prohibit this sort of exchange, so women have developed coy strategies to announce to you that they are interested. Most of this has to do with facial expression, which probably explains why men are always so confused - how many times are you really looking that hot girl in the face? I know I don't.

I would say the easiest way to tell is to pay attention to her eye gaze. Is she looking you in the eye while you are conversing? Is the exchange between you easy and fluid? If yes, she's not into you like that. If she meets you gaze fleetingly - casting her eyes down when you make eye contact, only to look back up to see if you are still looking, then you know there is interest there.

The other super easy way to spot interest is touch. Does she touch you when she doesn't have to? No, not like that (although that is certainly an obvious answer) but instead, does she touch your arm when she talks to you. Does she let her hand linger a moment too long when she taps you to get you attention? These are also key signs.

The only problem, of course, is that it's so much more fun to stare at her chest.

Kisses,

Sarah

Hello Faithful Readers! Today you will find the first installment of "Ask Sarah," my weekly advice column. Below is a letter that a reader sent in (asksarah@cosmichellcats.com) and my response to his plight. I will be selecting a new letter to respond to every Thursday night/Friday morning (what? sometimes I don't make it home) so be sure to check every Friday to see if I have responded to your letter! And, of course, if you don't have any issues, I also love fan mail! Sarah@cosmichellcats.com!

___________________

Hi Sarah!

I'm a theoretical physicist working to reconcile quantum mechanics with Einstein's theory of relativity, thus producing a "theory of everything."  My problem is that the other physicists don't take my work seriously because I live in an old van on the beach and spend a lot of time surfing.

How can I convince them to take me seriously?

Garrett Lisi

P.S.  You can read more about my plight here:

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/07/21/080721fa_fact_wallacewells

P.P.S.  I tried moving into a yurt, but that didn't help .

Dear GL,

Being smart is like, really hard sometimes. Especially when you're not within the confines of what people want to think "smart" looks like or acts like.

For example: I've actually taught classes in the Theory of Everything discipline that you're studying. I know Earth is a little behind the times, but I've read over your papers and let's just say you're on the right track. Here is the thing. The class is like, uber important. In fact, it's practically a requirement to graduate. And you know what? I can't get any girls to sign up for the class. Oh sure, I have students coming out of the woodwork, but almost all of them are male. And it makes me sad, because I would really like to see some girls get involved in the sciences. But no, every class I teach is filled with handsome, young, charming boys, who are so tan and toned and...

Um, anyway. The trick is to make that stereotype work for you. I, for instance, make my tests really hard. And I put on distraction questions like, "for extra credit, what color thong was I wearing on Tuesday of last week?" If a student answers that question right, I fail them. Obviously they are not interested in the kind of physics I am paid to teach. Then I invite them out for some extra credit in... other... physics disciplines (assuming, of course, they are cute).

Everybody wins.

So the trick is not to make them take you seriously. The trick is to prove them wrong. No one takes me seriously. But I'm one of 5 people in the galaxy that can repair a hyperwarp drive, so it really doesn't matter what they think. Because someday, they are going to need their drive fixed (the darn things are only good for so long).

The same goes for you. Who cares if they think you are some crazy who lives in a van /yurt and surfs and snowboards all the time (I think that's really hot, by the way. I've always wanted to live in a yurt)? Once you fundamentally prove the existence of your everything theory they can't really discredit you. They can still not take you seriously, but then you just get a hot trophy girl to go along with the subsequent Nobel prize and you won't care what they think anyway.

At least, that's what works for me. Or a boob job, I guess, but you might not get as much self esteem from that procedure as some others.

Kisses,

Sarah